Excerpt: This post aims to empower readers to recognize shame as a "distorted logic" born from childhood neglect, reframing the belief that they are "burdens" into an understanding that they were simply children carrying adult loads. It provides actionable somatic and "re-parenting" tools to help readers stop performing for love and start finding their inherent value through self-compassion.
Hey there. If you've ever felt like there's a heavy, cold cloud following you around—one that tells you that you're "not enough," "weird," or "broken"—you're not alone. That feeling has a name: Shame.
Shame isn't just a bad mood; it's an intense emotion and a core belief that we are fundamentally unlovable or "less than" everyone else. For many of us, especially those growing up in tough or "Complex Trauma" homes, shame was the answer we got to the most important questions a kid can ask: Do I matter? Am I lovable? Do I have anything to offer?
When we are ignored, criticized, or hurt by the people supposed to protect us, we develop a distorted logic. It's like this: If it rained every single day of your life so far, it would be easy to conclude that it will rain every day for the rest of your life. We start to think, "Nobody loves me, so that proves I'm not lovable."
Real Talk: How Shame Showed Up for Me
I want to share a bit of my own story to show you how these "rainy decades" look in real life. Growing up, my caregivers only gave me "points" or validation if it was strictly conditional.
My father was emotionally absent, which felt like a vacuum of "non-existence." It taught me that my inner world was invisible. My mother only valued me when I was a "trophy"—she prized my Performance and Appearance because they made her look good to the outside world. She completely bypassed the real me.
This taught my nervous system a painful lesson: To be loved, I have to be a perfect object, not a real person with my own needs. For a long time, I believed I was only as good as my last achievement. But I've reached a turning point. I'm unlearning that lie. I'm learning that I am lovable simply because I exist, and you are too.
Your Survival Toolkit: From Shame to Self-Acceptance
We can't just "think" our way out of shame; we have to feel our way out. Here are three actionable ways to start changing your internal weather today.
1. Inner Child Work: The Rewrite
Think of that "shame voice" as a younger version of you that was told a lie. When you hear yourself say, "I'm such a burden". The way this voice may show up in your life might look like finding yourself excessively apologizing for basic needs or withdrawing from friends because you assume your presence is draining to them. For example, instead of asking for help, you might say, "I'm so sorry to even ask this, you're probably way too busy and I don't want to take up your time," or you might ghost a group chat for days because you feel like your "heaviness" is something others shouldn't have to deal with. When you notice these patterns, stop and talk back to that younger part.
The Script: "Hey, little me. I know you were taught that your needs are too much, but that was because the adults around you were 'too little.' You aren't a burden; you were just carrying an adult's load with a child's hands. I'm here now."
2. Mirroring: Seeing the Real You
Since we didn't get a healthy "reflection" from our caregivers, we have to provide it for ourselves. This is called Mirroring.
The Action: Look in a mirror (or just close your eyes and visualize yourself). Instead of looking for flaws, look at yourself as a Subject, not an Object.
The Script: "I see you. I see your effort. I see your heart. You don't have to perform for me to love you. You are enough exactly as you are sitting here right now."
3. Somatic Practice: Grounding the "Shame Heat"
Shame often feels like a physical "burn" in the chest or a "nausea" in the stomach.
The Practice: When shame hits, place one hand on your heart and the other on your belly. Feel the warmth of your hands.
The Action: Take three slow breaths. As you exhale, imagine the "shame heat" softening. Tell your body: "It is safe to be me. I am protected by my Adult Self now."
Final Thought
You are the "Adult Self" you always needed. You are the capable, protective person who can value your own needs as sacred rather than a burden. You no longer have to wait for a "reflection" from others to know you matter; you can find that reflection in your own compassion.
Watch the video from Tim Fletcher for more insights →
I would love to hear how these insights and tools are landing in your world. If you'd like to start a conversation, feel free to hit "Reply via Email" for a personal response, or if you prefer to share your thoughts privately, you can "Reply via Form" below to remain anonymous.
See you on the healing journey!
If this encouraged you, hit reply and tell me what line stood out.